Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Well, this is awkward