If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
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*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
R.I.P.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.