If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie