If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Lmfaoooooo
