Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Beards are a privilege, not a right

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.