If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas