Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

Well, this is awkward

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Sorted

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Best table by far

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.