Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

My daily affirmation

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

c’mon!

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?