If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
we’re gonna need another temp
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Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”