Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

I am also baked goods

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

What’s a Messi?

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog