If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
it must be school picture day
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭