Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

same vibe as tangled headphones

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

I put the I in Insufferable.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.