Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

The funk soul brother

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

SQUARREL

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.