Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Seas the day!!!!

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

$4 #usedbooks

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.