If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
PLEASE READ
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I think we should hear other voices.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?