If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.