Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

this will hang in the louvre one day

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.