If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
