If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
he’s doing your taxes
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.