Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.