If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Help
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Cats (2019)
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*