If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye