Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack