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@horacedodge: If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
@HomeProbably: I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
@david8hughes: [turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
@NikiWithIssues: I'm not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
@FU_TangClan: Friend: can I borrow £20?
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
@ShesARealGenius: [Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time.