If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet