If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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A great first step 😂
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.