Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

cats when you pet them too long:

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes