Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.