Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”