If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
You Might Also Like
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé