If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
You Might Also Like
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.