Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.