Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?