Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
the icebreaker
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again