Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

This is me

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!