If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
about to have the best blueberries of my life
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
This line from Airplane.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*