Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”