If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
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Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
