If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
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ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*bites zombie*
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Perfect
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Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*pokes sex life with a stick
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.