Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay