Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.