My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing