If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.