If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
How to properly lift a body
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
normalize having existential bread
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.