If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Super Hand Dog Face
