if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah