if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
You Might Also Like
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Oh my God.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
what kind of cook setting is this??
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
😂💯
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding