If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.