If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
