Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?