If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Software Development ⛵️
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool