If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.


The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.


Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…


I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.


[watching Olympic Figure Skating]


T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh


I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore


You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math


My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.


You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.