@SexyInsomniac

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

You Might Also Like

@fightgeek

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@gruffybeard

Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

@NewDadNotes

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

@TheNYAMProject

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

@Green_EyedMama

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

@Beagz

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.