If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Thank you 🥹
dads on road-trips be like
