PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?