I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.
If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.
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In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.
*puts away bowl and spoon
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait