If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

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I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.


In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.


[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too


Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird


Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon


first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it


Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ


“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.


Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait