@DaveWeasel

If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

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@shutupmikeginn

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

@jeremiahtolbert

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

@AmandasNotFunny

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

@elizaskinner

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

@thedad

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

@kathybotteas

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

@Marcmywords2

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.