My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.