@DaveWeasel

If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

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@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@kristinb5150

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

@iscoff

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

@WritePlay

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

@spacewizard_t

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

@PaulFrei

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

@lawyerthoughts

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

@Jerrypleasure

Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Me: Okay
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*

@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.