If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
A friend helps you before you need it
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I have never related to a cat more
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.