If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
ouch
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
weird email i got today
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
This pepper has seen some shit
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?