Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Bear knowledge

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.