Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

this site is so cooked lol

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

oh u like geography? name every lake

An odd boast

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.