If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
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Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
when u come home smelling like another dog
Meowchelangelo
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I hope Alan is OK
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.