If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
that lip filler tho
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?