If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I’d … I’d rather not.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.