If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation