Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats only grass-fed donuts

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Yep.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

mom had nothing to worry about

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

guys I’m going home

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”