Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”