if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what