if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
The Onion called it…again.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Lassie, get help!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*