If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around
any last words?
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
What.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300