If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
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every single time
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever