If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
You Might Also Like
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.