If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”