@smhluckyme

If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?

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@IndecisiveJones

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

@Cpin42

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@WilliamAder

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

@RickAaron

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

@TequilaTears

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

@realHamOnWry

I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.

@DCpierson

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

@ch000ch

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.