If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?

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[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD


Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.


Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.


FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!


– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today


Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you


Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?



Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.


If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.