If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?

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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right


Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive


I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on


Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.


Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.


I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.


I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.



Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”


you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.