Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
#FunnyLife Insects
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Waiting for the Charmin
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.