Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

back to work

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA